Your Justice!

I stood in line, let the scorching sun beat me down

to give you power, you swallowed it greedily, hungrily.

Now you repose on scented pillows, seeking the relief of your cooled trappings

While I sit at your feet and beg for scraps … I should be so lucky!

This is the price I pay for justice, your justice.

My raggedy pockets hide from your claws searching for every bead of sweat.

I give it freely, forcibly, unknowingly, cheerily, all for your scented existence.

My diseased body falters, no matter… manicured hands tend to your slightly sore wrist

My sweaty armpits and tired smelly feet keeping your wrist glued to your nose.

This is justice, your justice!

Your full pregnant belly eyes me cheekily, speaking a loud hello to my fetid hungry breath.

My foul smell and rumbling stomach offend you, I shy away in shame.

My questioning mind is dulled by your absence; your haughty stare all but silences me

I stretch my aching back, bent by my herculean efforts to let you stand on it,

This is the price I pay for justice?

NO MORE!

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I am my hair!

India Arie sings, “I am not my hair… I am not your expectations no no, I am not my hair… I am a soul that lives within“. I agree, I wholeheartedly agree. Especially when it is a voluntary fashion choice, I definitely will agree! But Lord oh Lord when the choice is involuntary, I get the urge to rewrite the beautiful Ms Arie’s lyrics to that of a dirge in memory of my crown.

You see, once upon a while, not too long ago, I had a full head of beautiful locks. Well-tended, natural, healthy and to die for locks. I loved my hair. I was proud of my hair and I was my hair and my hair was me.

You need to understand my journey. The story of my childhood and my hair stories is not one filled with lovely pig tails or smooth cornrows. My hair journey was filed with wooden combs that wouldn’t get through my nappy hair. I honestly have nothing against nappy hair. God’s honest truth I don’t, but when you have to endure hot combs heated over naked flames that burn your ears and make your eyes water, I can assure you, it is highly unlikely you will be feeling all warm and fuzzy about your hair.

I dare you to imagine how the chemical treatments I had to endure as a child treated me, they actually held a personal grudge against me! How else do you explain the burnt scalp, pungent smell and still nappy hair. This was not and has never been my cup of tea and trust me when I tell you that the only reason I was so determined to endure the torture to straighten my hair was hardly in the name of giving me silky locks. No no no it was simply to get a comb through my tight-fisted curly hair and have me look presentable and less like a wild child.

After a childhood, that felt like a life time, of having an unruly sisal plantation on my head, I adopted locks and they proved to be an elixir for my hair. I could finally feel like a complete woman. I finally had something that other ladies ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ about. I was finally complete as a woman! Judge me if you will, but I was proud to have some enviable quality. And so I went about my normal routines and phases of life, wooden combs and burnt ears all but forgotten, that is until a dice was rolled somewhere in the land of the gods.

Now I understand why ABBA sung ‘…the gods may throw a dice, their minds are cold as ice‘! My crowning glory succumbed to the stresses of life. I refuse to acknowledge that I may have inherited some type of male pattern baldness. Surely the gods cannot be that cruel?! Anyway I am not male, so baldness should not apply to me; this must surely be the work of some scheming god somewhere.

Who pulls out a woman’s hair? Right at the crown of her head forcing her to cut it all off? Why at the ripe age of 40 odd something years am I back to looking for wooden combs to manage the few tufts of hair that the gods left on my head? How, I moan, is it 2017 and we still don’t have products that address my sisal plantation inspired hair? I suppose I should thank the heavens for the horses that have lost their tails and also thank the heavens for the Caucasian and Asian ladies who have happily given to the cause of lost hair. I quietly console myself that at least these donations help to cover the unacknowledged male pattern baldness, never mind the itchiness, occasional crookedness and once in a while falling off in mid-conversation antics of the hair.

If you meet me on the street today you will likely congratulate me on my natural look. You will praise me for going back to my roots, for being true to my African heritage and you will no doubt notice that my aged countenance has rolled back by a few years. I will gladly smile, my Colgate enhanced toothy smile and ‘demurely’ say thank you. I will on occasion don the horse hair to retain my dignity and so that you stop staring at the shiny patches on my head that reflect light that painfully blinds you.

Once the rigors of my day are done, I will race home and try the latest remedies. This month, cow dung, blended with coconut oil and washed off with offal soup to inspire my retired follicles. Last month, it was snail powder mixed with egg yolk and natural yoghurt to get the soon to come strands of hair smoother than the hairs of a young maize stalk. On Sunday’s and during Lent, I feverishly pray and fast that I may be back in favour with the gods and that the dice will be cast in my favour once more and the hair will be back.

Sometimes in the quiet of the night, when the regimens of the day are completed and after a nice warm shower, I stand in front of my mirror and wonder if the hair will be back. I stifle a sniffle as I stare at the shiny patches, this must be the reason my beloved’s warmth has suddenly turned cold and harsh; it must be why the children in the village burst into giggles every time I go by or maybe it is the reason for my aged mother’s sad eyes even as she tells me I am beautiful. How can I be beautiful or even a woman without the hair?

I stifle another sniffle and tell myself to have a little faith, just a little faith like a mustard seed. No time for self-pity, I tell myself, a little faith and a concoction of products will do the trick! I drop to my knees and quickly set about my earnest prayers to the gods. After all, I tell myself, a constant and healthy dose of feverish prayers and beating of the breast never hurt anyone! It worked for David and all the other prophets in the Bible, why wouldn’t it work for me? It may be the only way for me to truly be well on my way to being a whole woman again.

 

The dawn is here and today the sun appears to be in a good mood, it’s a day for the horsetail. You never realise how brutal the sun god is on our heads until your poor patches are roasting like young maize cobs on an open fire. Today is another day and I start with a breakfast of champions; a blend of sour porridge, young spinach leaves, chicken broth and crushed red peppers. I hear it is an old remedy known for growing the hairs on a young man’s chest! I’m sure you see the connection. I am now more confident than I was going to bed. I happily race out with my horsetail flying behind me and a faint waft of God knows what from my champion’s breakfast. Out into the world full of hope.

And so continue my days, it’s been close to three years now and I think I am beginning to see results but I do not want to speak good tidings aloud, the naughty ones may pick them from my mouth and run off with them.

India Arie is playing on the radio and I ask the Driver of the old bus to increase the volume. Once more I hear her words “I am not my hair… I am not your expectations no no, I am not my hair… I am a soul that lives within.” I think of the beautiful Ms Arie, she is the epitome of a fresh and amazing woman, but I still cannot possibly agree with her strong, natural and independent woman lyrics. I am quite vain, you see, because I am my hair.

40

A month to 40 and I am crying out for a new way, a new life, a new world.

A month to 40 and the whisper of a new life calls to me. I feel the gentle brush of the soft lips of change happen on my soul; life stirs in me and awakens love in me, a month to 40.

I question my existence, no longer worried about tomorrow, or wondering what happened to yesterday. Wanting to live for today. My mind longs for freedom, routines have torn my soul to pieces, my heart can no longer bear the rising tides of worldly demands and my heart cries out, a month to 40.

A month to 40 and I am crying out for a new way, a new life, a new world. A new love calls to me, it calls to me on a blowing wind, refreshes my spirit with the aroma of a fresh breeze, gently kisses my mind, whispering secrets of change, a month to 40 and I am reborn.

The truth of our souls

Behind our eyes lies the truth of our souls. Oh how we forget the truth.

We spin yarns and tales, we tell stories, stories that are of the past and not of the present. Stories that reek of human weakness in all its forms. The truth lays buried, remains hidden in the darkest recesses of our minds, waiting.

We tell stories of the human soul, we hide in our stories our weaknesses. Cloth our desires with finely spun threads, telling of our bravery, love and sacrifice… with righteous indignation… fallacious stories.

Spinning yarns of days past, we tell stories of the human soul. Truth lingers in darkness, its story twisted and long forgotten in our memories. We banish to the dark recesses of our minds the stories of human weakness… fallacious tales of the past and not the present.

Behind our eyes lies the truth of our souls. Oh how we forget the truth. Telling stories of the past, cheering in our falsehoods and lies.

The truth, living in the dark will burn as the light of our souls fades. It will burn as we hide behind fine clothes of bravery, love and sacrifice… fallacious yarns.

Oh the folly of human weakness.

Excerpt from the short story ‘The truth of our souls’ by Natalie Mathenge https://www.amazon.com/truth-our-souls-JANANJA-collection-ebook/dp/B01LXE11HP/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1495477562&sr=1-1&keywords=The+truth+of+our+souls 

 

 

Burning

Her soul burns and she is angry.

Her soul burns, it burns with anger. She bleeds and cries out in pain but no one hears her. She hides her face from the darkness of night, a darkness that follows her in the light.

She cries out as she burns but no one wants to hear her.

She cries out as she burns but no one wants to hear her. She burns as he takes everything from her, her soul is burning, her flesh seared.

She cries out but no one wants to hear her.

Her body burns, burns as she reaches out and watches them turn their faces away from her. Their eyes burn her soul, they follow her every move, watching, waiting but no one sees her pain. She is charred from the burning.

Her soul burns and she is angry.

She runs and hides from the shadows that plague her soul but everywhere she turns she burns. Her skin is scalded as they take life from her, she tries to run but she burns as they give money for her soul.

She burns, she is burning, burning, burning.

Life

… life flowing through me, over me and around me.

… I come into this world, through pain but in the midst of joy and hope.

I come into this world covered in her life. She breathes and feeds life into me.

I am alive in this world, shielded, for a time, from its torment and turmoil. Covered in her life force, I burst into this world, alive… life flowing through me, over me and around me.

Alive in life.

I have come to live in this world of contradictions. Alive, to live in a world of pain and joy, of night and day, in a world that hopes and despairs, of good and evil, love and hate, success and failure.

Alive in life.

The Sun Shines

The sun dares to live another day…

It is morning and the world is awake, the sun shines bright through the trees. The trees reach out joyously, flowers dance in the morning light. The air skips gaily, the world is awake and the sun shining.

Morning gives way to noon, the beauty of the sun now hidden from sight, covered by angry blackness and noises that violently stir the air. The trees shrink in fear, the air is careful not to move; flowers have hidden their beauty. The safety of the morning light is gone but the sun shines.

The sun dares to live through another day, it dares the mortal enemy and shines through the day. The world slows and slowly the trees begin to stir their limbs. In the still of the night, the air coughs and clears its throat.

The sun retires but shines through the moon. The sun is shining.